Wednesday, November 02, 2005

How Do You Live Your Life When Nobody's Watching?

I'm trying to erase the IN from INABILITY, so I could, for a change, create an ABILITY out of something I've been dealing with for what seems like a thousand years.

I know I don't have to wait to be perfect to begin this, I got tired of waiting anyway. Perfection could take another thousand years more to reach, so why wait?

Anyway, who says I have to do new things perfectly right from the start? I know I said that, a million times, but then I realized it's quite absurd. :P Plus frustrating.

So, whatever, I'll make the mistakes I have to make until I get it right. I'm making them right now and making a huge effort to be OK with this. But I'd rather finally kick this thing in the face and find out it's not such a big deal after all. It might turn out like those closet monsters you dread when you're a kid, only to find out they were only in your head.

If I don't live for myself, who do I live for?

On the other hand, there's a million wonderful things that come with overcoming it- an avalanche of sweetness, really. And I know there's more than I'm allowing myself to see right this minute. But OMG, sometimes I feel like a little girl who's found a whole room full of presents just for her.

But I'll be gentle, as opposed to pushy, with myself. I think I'll take it in better by sips. Gulps would take me back where I began, and I'm not up for backwards walking.

Forward and up all the way to realization. No matter how hard it is, or how long it takes.

I know, there's much to be grateful for! I would be selfish and unconscious to not acknowledge that. I wouldn't dare!

Still it's hard... but I know it's worth it! :D Can I giggle now?

3 comments:

::over-whelmed:: said...

i'm a little like that.. perfectionist.. but i learned that sometimes.. messing up... is what leads to a perfect ending.. its impossible to get things straight from the start.. u have to work on it.. mess up.. and rebuild again.. its a pain in the butt really.. but hey.. who said it was easy?..

just whatever the outcome.. smile.. =)

Chelle said...

who invented perfectionism, eh?

i know what you mean... and hey, you're right. sometimes messing up is what leads to better things... i'm smiling. thanks!

::over-whelmed:: said...

=)