An Emotion Filled Internet-less Weekend

Most of us spend our time looking for distractions. We play music, watch movies, party, browse the net, chat, have sex, eat for the sake of eating, and a bunch of other stuff we're all good at doing. Not that there's anything wrong with entertainment (I love singing and performing), as long as its only use for us isn't escaping from ourselves.

You see, it's harder when we have moments of silence, moments with ourselves, a time to really listen to what's going on inside us. But who wants to know this? Who wants to feel? Who wants to think? Who wants to listen to what they really want in life that they're not allowing themselves to live? Who wants to acknowledge their fears and look for ways to work through them and not do the chicken shit act all over again? Who wants to admit that perhaps we're not treating ourselves with enough respect, love, dignitiy? Who wants to find out that we're letting a large part of our lives just pass on by without stopping to think about the choices we're making- or not? Who wants to realize our self-esteem is low and needs tweeking? Who wants to be hit in the face with the fact that we're not living the love story we'd love to because we deny it from ourselves? Who wants to go through the trouble and pain of realizing these things and working on them?

Most of us don't. And that's why we repeat the same old patterns, and slam ourselves against the same old walls, and suffer for the same old things. Just because we're afraid of what we would find out if we actually took out a little moment to be with ourselves. Ignorance is suffering, not bliss.

This weekend I tried listening a bit. After a very noisy but very cool Friday night, I had some time to let my heart speak... and hear the worries of my mind. I noticed many things. I got frustrated by a few others. I fell into my Black Belt Syndrome mode- I wanted to get it all right from my first shot, but my actions were closer to those of a beginner without a uniform. But I gave shots at gathering up courage. I know I won't get them all right for another thousand years or more, but I did something. Something small in comparison to the million things I've yet to improve, but something nevertheless.

But I was there. And I am here. And clueless as I may be on how to go about many things, if I'm still alive it means I still have a few chances left, and I will take them... until I get it right. I hope I do before I run out of chances. They don't repeat themselves, you know. Each moment is unique and cannot be materialized ever again. That's why so much emphasis is made to really live the present. Less pressure, I know.

Thank you for being so special, even if you don't understand.