i want to sparkle

This is my canvas
My word vomit page
I know that's not a very nice name
But that's what she "even if they were flowers" called it
Because it's a space where you
Throw up what's in you at the moment of pouring
Then you let go of that
And life goes on
For many it might not even make sense
And a few hours later you may not even feel like that
It was released
And life goes on

And now, the vomit...

aja, what if life goes on? i will still write about things that've happened after (or sometimes before), and i will continue thinking and expressing my thoughts. i cannot stop because of that. smart is he who does not read my blog if he does not digest what i write very well. i really agree with that, admire it, and respect it, and i do the same thing.

now i will mix another one into the pot. as much as it sucks not to know what you are thinking, i cannot drain it out of you, nor will i try. i know i'm not the best communicator in the world, but, hey, i am here to learn, right? and that's one thing i'm on because i like the crystal clear thing, i want to be like water that way. and i've been able to do it before, so just because it's hard right now it doesn't mean i never can again. plus on saturday i was given a super lesson by someone i don't even know, "never say you can't."

and about other things, maybe that's the way it should be. it's sooo arranged that way, you know, everything points in that direction. anyway, i cannot focus on that part of that person, it's just not me anymore, you know. i let that go. i am aware of reality, but i choose where i keep my focus. on their best intentions. and i will communicate out of my higher intentions as well, and, hey, it might turn out to be a blessing of an experience, i know. god doesn't waste resources. so i'm choosing to flow with this one. anyway, i don't feed off of gossip. i mean why would i want to eat garbage when there's endless delicatessen to choose from? it would be mega dumb. every person has their highlights.

the thing is that when you are comfortable with the way things are, and you get used to living a certain way, everything is smooth and awesome and manageable. but when many things in your life change, it suddenly isn't that predicatble or easy to manage. it's like you were on a straight horizontal line, but now you're on a jagged, somewhat diagonal, product of a four year old's shaky hand line (hopefully going upward), and you don't know what to do, what to say, how to act- and the silliest thing is that what is most likely to come out of you is precisely how you don't want to be. you know, mistakes you've made before.

but we've gotta be patient and loving... cus nobody grows out of bad habits from one day to the next. the difference in growing is that the time it takes between repetitions of that action is augmented. if it's something you used to do every day, perhaps now you do it once a month. and instead of getting angry about doing it that time that month, as i very well used to choose to, you can open your eyes and rejoice about the fact that it took so long to get there this time! geez. why be a sucker for the piss offs?

we're going to fall from time to time... evolution is a process. the point is that every time we do, we get up a little faster than before.

i love you! yeah, you who are reading this. and you who are not. all are equally appreciated. i just don't want to dance in the mud, you know. i want to float. i wan't to sparkle. i want to laugh.

thank you for your input in restoring that. :D