i surrender. by this i don't mean i give up. i don't, at all. by this i mean i give up futile resistance, and i accept going with the flow. i'm glad that disappointment was there. i thank that discomfort of arrangements. it helped me get my head back straight and on my shoulders. and appreciate what i have. even though i did not like it, and my selfish part would've liked the opposite, i do know it wouldn't have been convenient. i am aware that this was a nice push to revise some drives and preferences. i can do better. it's a long road ahead... small steps.